Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My uncle's dying wish

he wanted me on his lap.

He was in the electric chair.

What a kid I got,

I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me

about the butcher and my wife.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...

I said to a bartender,

Make me a zombie.

He said 'God beat me to it.'

I have good looking kids.

Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

We sleep in separate rooms,

we have dinner apart,

we take separate vacations

we're doing everything

we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me.

The other day she told me to put the garbage out.

I said to her I already did.

She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask

how big I would get.

My father carries around the picture of the kid

who came with his wallet.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she looked at my calendar

and wanted to know who May was.

If it wasn't for pick

pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night.

I controlled myself.

I told my wife the truth.

I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.

Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,

two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out

I was the sap.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions.

It is not putting up a mask.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide;

he exposes himself.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I looked up my family tree and found

three dogs using it.

I get no respect.

The way my luck is running,

if I was a politician I would be honest.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me

with a sling shot.

With me, nothing goes right.

My psychiatrist said my wife and

I should have sex every night.

Now, we'll never see each other!