Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

When I played in the sandbox,

the cat kept covering me up.

I met the surgeon general

he offered me a cigarette.

What a dog I got,

his favorite bone is in my arm.

One year they asked me

to be poster boy for birth control.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid.

One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up,

a blind man was reading my face.

My cousin's gay, he went to London

only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My marriage is on the rocks again,

yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,

but I always found them.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and

they sent a piece of my finger to my father.

He said he wanted more proof.

My mother never breast fed me,

she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life.

In fact,

I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

It's tough to stay married.

My wife kisses the dog on the lips,

yet she won't drink from my glass.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee.

Unfortunately,

she was just coming home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood.

I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My wife was afraid of the dark...

then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

The way my luck is running,

if I was a politician I would be honest.

Men who do things without being

told draw the most wages.

On Halloween,

the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife can't cook at all.

She made chocolate mousse.

An antler got stuck in my throat.