10000+ Motivational and Inspiring Quotes About Life, Love & Success

The way my luck is running,

if I was a politician I would be honest.

Men who do things without being

told draw the most wages.

On Halloween,

the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife can't cook at all.

She made chocolate mousse.

An antler got stuck in my throat.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope.

He wants to reform the world.

When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world,

but he knows he can't.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous

everyone hasn't met me yet.

I found there was only one way to look thin:

hang out with fat people.

Some dog I got too.

We call him Egypt.

Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.

he told me to wear a brown tie.

This morning when I put on my underwear

I could hear the fruit of the loom guys laughing at me.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

With my wife I don't get no respect.

I made a toast on her birthday to

the best woman a man ever had.

The waiter joined me.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car

and she wants me to drive.

I could tell my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A girl phoned me the other day and said...

Come on over, there's nobody home.

I went over.

Nobody was home.

When I was born I was so ugly

the doctor slapped my mother.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy

and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you're ugly too.

I went to a fight the other night,

and a hockey game broke out.