10000+ Motivational and Inspiring Quotes About Life, Love & Success

I told my wife the truth.

I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.

Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,

two plumbers, and a bartender.

One year they asked me

to be poster boy for birth control.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid.

One day I fell asleep in the library.

When I woke up,

a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,

but I always found them.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee.

Unfortunately,

she was just coming home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood.

I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Men who do things without being

told draw the most wages.

My wife can't cook at all.

She made chocolate mousse.

An antler got stuck in my throat.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope.

He wants to reform the world.

When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world,

but he knows he can't.

Some dog I got too.

We call him Egypt.

Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.

he told me to wear a brown tie.

This morning when I put on my underwear

I could hear the fruit of the loom guys laughing at me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy

and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, you're ugly too.

I can only say that there is not a man

living who wishes more sincerely than I do,

to see a plan adopted for the abolition of it

but there is only one proper and effectual mode by

which it can be accomplished,

and that is by Legislative authority: and this,

as far as my suffrage will go, shall never be wanting.

A slender acquaintance with the world

must convince every man that actions, not words,

are the true criterion of the attachment of friends.

Experience teaches us that it is much easier

to prevent an enemy from posting themselves

than it is to dislodge them after they have got possession.

My first wish is to see this plague of mankind,

banished from the earth.

Arbitrary power is most easily established

on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness.

Laws made by common consent

must not be trampled on by individuals.